


Take On Me

by SociallyAwkwardFox (Maze_Runner_Fae)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Inspired by Music, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 11:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11622207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maze_Runner_Fae/pseuds/SociallyAwkwardFox
Summary: Jason works through his troubles by talking to a camera.





	Take On Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Ninja Sex Party version of Take On Me. I had it on repeat last night and just kind of wrote this out.

“Hi. I guess.” After clearing his throat and readjusting, Jason looked back up at the camera and tried to get his thoughts in order. “I don’t know what I’m to say. Maybe I should have written out a script or something for this. There’s so much to say, but I’m not sure I have the right words for it. Look at me, talking away. It’s not like anyone is going to see this. Why am I even doing this? Why am I just sitting alone talking to camera?”

A frustrated sigh fell from Jason’s lips as he ran a hand through his greasy hair-he couldn’t remember the last time he showered-and avoided looking at the camera. There was so much on his chest, he felt like it might give way under the pressure and his scattered brain thought talking to a camera was a good solution. Now that he sat before the small device, he couldn’t comprehend why he thought talking to it would be any different than speaking to an empty room. It was the exact same thing, except anyone could find the footage and see what he had to say-that wasn’t something an empty room could do.

“This is probably going to come out like nonsense, but I’ll say it anyway. I feel like I can’t keep it in any longer. I’m not sure this is the solution. I suppose it’s better than continuing to do nothing. If I do nothing, I know nothing will change. It doesn’t even matter if this doesn’t make any sense. No one is going to see this. There’s so much I don’t understand now. It’s like I died and came back to find the world completely different from before. Maybe it’s not even the same world. My point is I don’t know who I’m supposed to be in this world. I thought I did, but I was wrong and now I’m just kind of floating uselessly. I’ve done so many things I regret. There’s still so much pain and anger and I feel the Pit all the time. I just… What am I doing?”

The silence around had never been so suffocating and all he could think to do was barrel forward with this stupid plan. Now that he started letting everything out, stopping seemed like an impossible task and one he didn’t want to do. If he stopped, the heaviness would return and the silence would drive him mad. Drive him mad again.

“If I stopped doing what I’m doing now, would anybody care or notice? I was dead for long enough that everyone I cared about moved on without me and I burned those bridges because I was angry at them for living when I couldn’t. It wasn’t fair of me to do that, but what else was I supposed to do after I found out someone else took everything I had. Was I so easy to replace? Did anything I did before matter? Does anything I’ve ever done matter or is it completely insignificant? I don’t think it ever has. I still regret so much. Regret the things I’ve done to people that don’t deserve it. I want to apologize. I’m not sure I could do it. I’ve tried and failed. Today’s another day to find you. I could try again and again. It’s not like I have anything else to do. Would it make a difference? Would you care?”

His hands balled up into frustrated fists resting atop his thighs and he took several deep breaths to calm himself back down. If the mere thought of the Replace-of Robin did this to him, what hope did he have of apologizing to him? He would just freeze up like normal or say something that hurt the boy more than he already had with fists and words.

“I can’t blame you for… shying away from me. All the things I’ve done to you have been horrible and I can’t blame you for the way you act when you see me. I did that. My actions caused you to act that way. I’m the only one to blame. I should leave you alone, shouldn’t I? I’ve done enough. Apologizing would just be to make me feel better about what I’ve done. I can’t take back what I did. It’s too late. So, why is it I can’t stop thinking about you? I’m selfish. No reason to keep going or to see you again, but I still feel… Too much. I feel too much everything about you. I’ll be coming for your love, okay? I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t. I don’t even know what I’m doing! I keep saying that. You’d think I’d have answers by now. I’m still nothing. I deserve nothing.”

The sound of the camera beeping loudly pulled Jason out of the thoughts he’d fallen into and to the dingy room. He could see the dust floating slowly through the air and the little flicker of the lights every few seconds. All the words spilling from him no longer existed in the room and there was no hope of getting them back. He let them go for good and the only thing that would remember them was the die camera staring blankly at him.

“It won’t even matter. I’ll be gone in a day or two.”

* * *

 

Sitting in front of the camera for a second time didn’t put him at ease or make it any easier to start talking. “I can’t believe I’m doing this again. I even saved the last video for some reason. I haven’t looked at it, but it’s there. Why am I doing this?”

He paused like the camera would be able to provide him some sort of answer or encourage him to keep going. As expected, the camera sat there with its red recording light blinking and no words of comfort to give Jason. Even if the camera could speak, he doubted it would have the answer to his question. The only one that could answer it was him and he knew for certain he didn’t have a single clue what the answer could be.

“I shouldn’t even be doing this. If someone finds these videos… What would they think? I don’t know. So needless to say, I still don’t know much of anything. Things are still so confusing. This world is still so confusing. I don’t know what I’m meant to do or who I’m meant to be, but I think I’m starting to put the pieces together. A woman cried in my arms last night when I saved her. She said she had two kids to take care of and didn’t know what would have happened to them without her. That’s a pretty good reason to keep doing… whatever it is I’m doing. At least, I think it is.” For a moment, Jason stared off into space, then he snapped back in the moment and continued to speak. “It has to be. I’ve spoken to him, but I still haven’t said anything important. It’s pointless. We go around in circles. I think he knows. Know that I’m just… That I’m odds and ends.”

“It doesn’t seem to matter. I know I don’t mind. I might be odds and ends, but I’m me. That’s one of the few things I’m sure of now. I’m myself. I’m not under the influence of the Pit. All those feelings I had from it aren’t there. It’s gone and I won’t let it come back. Getting away from it was like stumbling away from an explosion. It was confusing and painful, but I did it. That counts for something. It has to count for something. I didn’t fight my way through that for it to count for nothing. I know it does because I’m doing better. I feel better about myself. Slowly learning life is okay. That’s what I’ve been doing. Things may be confusing, but that’s okay. Life is okay.”

Jason looked directly in the camera lens as he let his racing heart calm down a little before he continued to speak. “There’s something else I’ve learned during all of this mess. It took me a while to figure it out-way too long-but I know now. It’s no better to be safe than sorry. Playing it safe might keep other people from getting hurt, but then you never have the chance to do anything that means something. It’s the reason I go out every night as Red Hood. Playing safe isn’t the answer and hurting people isn’t either. One isn’t better than the other. What am I even talking about? I should leave Gotham. Go somewhere else. I’ll be gone in a day or two. I mean it this time.”

* * *

 

“This recording is going to be different than the other ones I’ve done. I’m leaving them all on this drive for you to watch.” Once he was sure the camera got a good shot of the device, he returned it back to the safe haven of his jacket pocket. “There’s so much I should say and that I want to say. I doubt I’ll be able to say any of it in a way that makes sense. After you watch all these-if you watch all of these, I’m not sure what you’ll think of me. The fact you could forgive me for what I’ve done is mind-blowing to me still. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful. Doesn’t mean it makes any sense. You know, those things that you say to me. I’ve been thinking about them a lot to understand what you’ve been trying to tell me. I’m not sure if you’re just talking about life or trying to play my worries away. Whatever your reason, it made me think a lot about what I’m going to do with my life. Things are clear now. Clearer than they’ve ever been in my life.”

The words he wanted to say stuck uncomfortable in his throat, so he cleared it to keep himself from choking on them. He thought not knowing what to say was the most difficult thing to struggle through and he’d been incredibly wrong about that. Knowing exactly what to say and not being able to say it was so much worse than spewing out whatever came to his mind. That was a thoughtless act he could do without worrying about whether his meaning came across because there wasn’t one.

“For a long time, I’ve been struggling with everything and slowly the pieces have fallen into place. You were the one that helped me fit the final piece. I’ve got a complete picture. Before you see this, I’ll be gone. I don’t have much to pack up. All I’ve got to do is load up this drive and I’ll be gone. This place doesn’t hold many good memories, so I’ll be leaving most of those behind. You’re all the things I’ve got to remember. You’re the one good thing that came out of all of this. I remember you’re shying away and how that’s changed and it’s given me hope. There’s something better out there for me. Something better in a place that’s not haunted. I once said I’ll be coming for you and I eventually did. It might have taken a long time, but I did it and you fit that last piece.”

A shuddering breath left him as he reached the end of what he wanted to say before he turned the camera off one last time. “Anyway, I’ll be gone in a day. I’m finally leaving Gotham. I don’t know if I’ll ever come back. This was the only thing I had left to do. I probably should have done this in person and I’m sorry I didn’t. Thank you for taking on me and all my problem. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I guess this is goodbye.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos always greatly appreciated. You can find me on Tumblr ([SociallyAwkwardFoxWriter](http://sociallyawkwardfoxwriter.tumblr.com/)).


End file.
